The following was broadcast on FOXNews earlier today:

Shepard Smith: Were there demands made?

Steve Centanni: Over the days they requested many things of us. They requested written statements about what I had done in Iraq and Afghanistan and Pakistan and Kashmir where I’ve never been. Why we were there and what we were doing there.

Clearly these jihadis haven’t heard that to anti-war Westerners these are all completely different conflicts. The Palestinian problem has nothing to do with Iraq, or Afghanistan, or Islam. Jihad? World war? Whatever dude. We’ve got to prioritize. We all know the biggest threat to civilization is Wal-Mart.

We had to write and write and write and then we were forced to convert to Islam at gun point. And don’t get me wrong here I have the highest respect for Islam and learned a lot of really good things about it but uh we did… wouldn’t… it was something we felt we had to do because they had the guns and we were… didn’t know what the hell was going on.

Have no fear. This is all a FOXNews ruse. As the anti-war Westerners have repeatedly informed us and as the jihadis must surely know by now, “There shall be no compulsion in religion.” Those stories about Mohammed ransoming hostages? Just stories.

For a minute there I thought Centanni was nervous enough that he might say something negative about Islam. Phew. Now that he has instead praised it everything should be just fine. The jihadis can go back to kidnapping and blowing up civilians, and the press can go back to reporting on their “plight”.

UPDATE: Now that they’ve converted Centanni and his cameraman should take some time to understand fundamentalist Islam’s sentiments on apostasy. It might not be very healthy for them, but perhaps they’ll report what they discover.